Saturday, January 21, 2012

Ke$ha and Flaming Lips in Nashville Recording Together, Hanging out at Springwater





Oh, and Noisebloid misses it again! I was just down the street at another bar talking about astrology and other really important things when Ke$ha and the Flaming Lips pull up in a "giant Mercedes taxi" according to eye witnesses. Ke$ha still hasn't slept, because they've been up all night recording and she's been giving members of the band tattoos!

Click here to hear what they are working on!

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Aaron Hibbs' Walk Around the Country Leads Him to His Destiny




As we reported back last September, Aaron Hibbs (Sword Heaven, Rage Against the Cage)was going to walk around the U.S.A. to get in shape for his hula-hoopin' stunt around the world. Last week Aaron posted an interesting update on his excursions:



"So I had this whole plan... I paired down my belongs, said farewell to friends and family, and left for training to hoop around the world. It felt amazing... the spirit of the road was in me, I was connecting with new people and places... completely alive and free. Then my body did something it has never done in my life as a performer: it said no! My knees gave out. I rested them for two months then tried to get back to training with a walk from Atlanta to Florida. In the first few days my body did it again: no! I felt completely bummed, disappointed, sad, you name it! I headed back to my Sister's place for some deep contemplation. After a couple of weeks a door was opened to Sedona, Arizona by my dear friend Liz Armstrong. I walked through it and now find myself back on course. In time and place of deep healing, learning, and growth, I will get stronger! And I will continue with my work to express and expand joy, creativity, and inspiration everywhere I can. I totally love this life and I have the deepest love and gratitude for all of my friends and family. Let's stay connected and go even deeper with it. deeeeeep love."



Liz Armstrong's family has found a long-lost, soul-based family member and have quickly welcomed him to the family business, a raw restaurant and spiritual center. Congratulations Aaron! Noisebloid is excited to hear more!

Shams and DJ Dog Dick Release Trailer for Upcoming Alaska Tour Diary



The two will be having an opening for the film on Jan. 23 at 285 Kent Ave., NYC.

Tour Diary Europe Edition by Zack Kouns



Paris 1/5/12
I've accidentally eaten cat food on five continents (and counting) due to either mislabeling or drunken abandon (or an admixture of the two) and the cat food in France takes the cake! Dear friends, I recommend the Liver Pate on the French equivalent of Entertainer Crackers. 4 out of 5 Parisien Kitty Cats agree! Yours in meows and purrs, -Zack Kouns esq


Below is Zack's previous tour diary from Spring 2011 tour with Nightburger that somehow was never posted.
-Noisebloid

Beleaguered and harrowed by tenebrous and darksome dreams, I struck out in search of a meal in Lexington, KY. I was fortunate enough to discover a street vendor whose exotic fare included roasted human hearts and genitals, a meal I greedily consumed with a rare gusto found only in the pentinent sinner who has fasted for weeks and is only now able to enjoy his feast with peace in his wounded heart and atonement in his grieving spirit. The heart tasted like pain and fear. The genitals were garnished with poisonous weeds and tasted bitter and unfulfilled. With a full belly and a naturally inquisitive and restless mind, I saw and made avail of a brief opportunity to peer into the ghastly trailer when the proprietors left for a short break. Finding the back door unlocked, I discovered a grisly scene: black corpses decapitated and delicately carved up, heads on a spit with bulging eyes and knives between their teeth. Bringing the minimal extent of my anthropological insight to bear, I surveyed bone structure etc and decided that the cadavers were likely Haitian.



In a park in St Louis I was lucky enough to witness a touching familial scene: a young mother softly and amateurishly plays a large Ney flute which triggers a recondite response from her ginger headed toddler who, once the flute is sounded begins clawing at her mother's genitals in a desperate attempt to return to the security and warmth of her womb.

Walking toward a Mediterranean restaurant in Atlanta, I became ill and began violently heaving and vomiting. Two bearded passerbys watched and waited until I was finished, then immediately began greedily lapping up the mixture of bile, string cheese and gas station coffee off the filthy asphalt. Conclusion: there is a shortage of good restaurants in Atlanta?



In Chapel Hill, my dear friend Noah was killed in a tragic wildlife attack. While driving with his gal Christine he made a pit stop to use the restroom. When he returned, a clever and surreptitious lion had put on Christine's clothing and had taken her place in the front seat of the car. As they casually conversed, Noah quickly became aware that his traveling companion was in fact not his sweetheart. When the lion knew he was discovered he sprang into action and brutally dispatched his victim in a hail of teeth and claws and human blood. I was called in to identify the body and seeing my good pal lifeless in a freezing morgue was more burden than I care to shoulder, so I brought him forth from the watches of the darkest night and helped him to the car so we could make the Nashville show on time. Life everlasting. Everlasting Life.

In Richmond, a dozen or so crazed, Bacchic, drunken revelers (including this foolish adventurer) made a follied voyage to a canal like drainage ditch hidden in the dark, Virginian woods to continue a concert began at Gary Stevens' nearby house. By chance, we stumbled upon an esoteric ritual: several initiates in dark gray robes with the emblem of a pierced heart embroidered on the center of the chest and off white muslin hooded masks shrouding their faces were gathered in a circle in the dark reciting circular phrases composed in a lost tongue with a quiet and subtle intensity that shocked with it's propulsive, rhythmic tone. Once we were discovered, we were deemed hostile intruders and they fell upon us with knives in a frenzied, ecstatic trance and killed every last one of us. I awoke in the morning covered in blood and returned from the dark countries of the hereafter. Everlasting Life. Life Everlasting.

Coiling around Rocky's statued boxing glove outside of the Philadelphia Museum of Art was a serpent whose head was a small, blossoming azalea bush.



Exit 16B in Maryland on 68E: A question mark on the “Attractions” sign. On this harrowed earth, man is forever charged with uncovering and digesting the mysterious caprices of the Divine. Winding through a treacherous mountain pass, I discover a pride of lions falling upon an abandoned convenience store: drinking gasoline by the gallon, tearing open Jerky and mixed nut packages in search of bloody entrails; in search of their primeval savagery, lost to the tragic beasts unindigenously stranded in a foreign land by a recondite third party who often communicates with atrocity and farce.

Word on the Street by Narwhals

DOOR CUTS BOYS WITH BROKEN BRIGHT EYES CD'S, BATHES IN THEIR BLOOD



Door says "I just had all the materials lying around.... It just sort of makes sense....what do people expect me to bathe in...water?"
Upon hearing the news the city of Baltimore swiftly responded by giving Door the keys to the city.
The mayor had this to say..."You heard the man...IT JUST SORT OF MAKES SENSE"
Bravo sir. This paper salutes you and your economy of means.

WHEN JASON CRUMER GETS BLACKOUT DRUNK HE TEACHES UNDERPRIVILEGED CHILDREN HOW TO READ



Turns out Jason Crumer's darkest demon is helping people. It all began one crisp autumn afternoon...Crumer began drinking at noon....when he woke up the next day he was surrounded by shitty crayon drawings that said....THANKS FOR TEACHING ME HOW TO READ MR. CRUMER. Jason Crumer believing that he was uncovering some terrible wicked shit about himself continued to drink in a similar fashion for the next couple of months.
What he learned next terrified him....
16 yr. old Desyan says "Mr. Crumer drools alot but he is an excellent tutor! Crumer even helped me get an after-school job at Panera. He really wowed the managers!"
12 yr. old Ashanna has this to say, "I was on my way to kill someone who disrespected my gang...when I ran into Mr. Crumer, He said anyone can hurt but only a few people know how to read. He saved my life."

Upon discovering the news Jason had this to say, "Oh my god this is horrible."

BIG FUCKING GOSSIP ALERT------ DARYL SEAVER AND JEREMY HARRIS LIKE TO "RELAX"



Not one to miss the BIGGEST FUCKING GOSSIP OF THE YEAR- this paper is shocked and disturbed to report....Daryl Seaver and Jeremy Harris like to "relax."
According to sources....Harris likes to unwind by "sitting by the fire" and "watching other people fish" meanwhile Misses Seaver enjoys "humming to herself", "non-elaborate needlework", and "sending Elijah bags of Funyuns in the post". The couple had this to say..."Yep...Netflix changed our lives."
THIS PAPER REFUSES TO COMPROMISE AND WILL CONTINUE TO KEEP THIS SORDID AFFAIR VERY MUCH IN THE LIMELIGHT.
As if to taunt reporters we got one last comment from Mr. Harris, "If someone could please e-mail us and let us know how to get involved in virtual stamp collecting we would very much appreciate it...real stamp collecting seems too stressful"


RODGER STELLA WOWS CRITICS/HUMANITY AT THIS YEAR'S GOLDEN GLOBES



Rodger Stella wowed critics, fashionistas, and quite a few female fans with his trademark "pants around the ankles" strut down the red carpet at this year's Golden Globes.
Sipping a mocha lotta while letting piss dribble down your leg requires skill, accuracy, and most importantly glamour unlike this town has seen since the '20's. Zsa Zsa Gabor stopped to whisper in his ear and some of the biggest names in Hollywood were overshadowed by the sight of Stella's balls protuding out of his boxers.
Stella in between the glitz, glamour, flashing lights, and mumbling in french to adoring female fans had this to say, "I shat in a bag and hid it"

NEWTON BECOMES AGITATED AT SUBWAY



The king of the intelligentsia, Philadelphia-based artist and composer "Newton" (real name:Bernard Millingalius) became severely agitated at a local Subway restaurant Tuesday morning.
Newton was quoted as saying, "I've fucked better subs than this" and "someone please.... teach me how to read". When we caught up with "Newton" he was still very much upset. "I dunno sometimes I get a little upset when i realize that I'm in Subway and there's a war going on...and our troops don't have 24hr. access to Subway yet. Until I can get world peace served to me on a bun, Subway employees will continue to hear my cry."
Newton is going to change this wicked world....and plans to do that.... one Sub at a time.

Thursday, December 15, 2011

Is True Love the Reason for NYC's Hospital Productions Closing?




Sadly, Hospital Productions,one of NYC's most iconic record/tape stores closed this year. The owner, Dominck Fernow (Prurient, Cold Cave), who sold most of his stock to St. Louis' APOP Records, didn't "need" to close but was ready to move on from NYC to sunny Los Angeles. But rumor has it that Fernow closed the store and moved to L.A. for a very special woman.
Fernow seemed distraught in a recent interview when he spoke of his love leaving him in New York and moving across the country, "I felt that it was related to an experience that I had with a woman who I was living with for years who decided one night that she wanted children and would move to Los Angeles. So here’s a person that I spent years with who basically disappeared from my life overnight." Could this be the real reason Fernow moved to L.A. and closed the store?

Friday, December 09, 2011

Heather Young is Pregnant!



Congratulations to Social Junk's Heather Young who is pregnant with (they are pretty sure) a boy. She's having trouble deciding on the baby's name. She doesn't like any names! Tweet her your suggestions!

Word on the Street by Narwhals

EMERALDS GET INDIE-ROCK TATTOOS TO SUPPORT DYING SUBGENRE



It's true count em up...John Elliot=RADIOHEAD tat, Mark Mcguire=MICROPHONES tat, STEVE HAUSCHILDT=THE BOOKS tat...
When asked John Elliot said, "Man indie rock is our shit. Dilloway taught us about it....seriously nothing gets a bitch's pussy wetter than a fresh Radiohead tat"
Mark Mcguire said "I'm on my way to get a motherfucking stereolab tat right now and then
I'mma fuck two bitches at the same time and not even look at them...Imma just straight stare at my stereolab tat" STEVE HAUSCHILDT says "In my book it's God, Country, Indie rock, and Dopey bitches"
Indie rock couldn't be reached for comment.

NIGHTBURGER NOAH ONLY HAS ONE LEG



Turns out the "other" leg is his giant dick. Noah's been walking on his dick since childhood. Ren Schofield had this to say "Motherfucker never wears shorts--something's up."
When asked to comment Noah said, "Oh fuck, I never noticed! Thanks Word on the street reporter Brian Blomerth"
You're fucking welcome Noah.

ELIJAH FORREST FUCKS FOR FUNYUNS


Food stamp funds in Baltimore are running low this month because it turns out...Elijah Forrest will fuck anyone for a bag of the onion flavored treats.
No one wants to comment. Not a single person.

RAT BASTARD TO WRITE WOMAN'S LIB HANDBOOK



Rat Bastard say's "I've been doing a shit-ton of research"

STONEY TUSCO TERROR CHANGING HIS NAME TOO "WINNIE THE POOH MAN"



Stoney Tusco say's "I've been doing a shit-ton of research", "I think this name truly reflects how I feel inside and the pain I've been through coming up in west-side Cleveland"
"When my mom grew that beard...I just got big into Honey culture"--Stoney's wife and daughter love the name change and support his dumb ass decisions.

NATE YOUNG HAS SANTA FETISH



John Olson gets to work on a beard.

THE MYSTERIOUS MATT SULLIVAN MISTLETOE EXPERIENCE



Matt Sullivan (privy seals, earn) has this to say "Everyone is too scared to take the plunge, I gotta say when you dive in it's refreshing"
Its been confirmed that Matt Sullivan is scary and he has a blarney stone in his basement.

ROTTEN MILK GETS DEEP INTO FROYO-USES CAVE FUNDS TO PURCHASE "FROYO ISLAND"



Milk say's Froyo Island is a fun place. I don't believe him. In my head I picture Milk in a speedo with Froyo drips all over his belly, the "island" is just a bunch of trash in a kiddy pool.
Milk confirms, "Yeah...it's exactly like that"



Contact Narwhals

Wednesday, November 23, 2011

Amanda Green featured in the Bee Gee's "Living Eyes" Video


Amanda Green (America's #1 female solo performer according to King of Noise, Rat Bastard), blogger, singer, songwriter, artist, and iproduct superstar appeared in a Bee Gees video when she was 5. Noisebloid is proud to present mini-Amanda's first musical appearance. She appears twice on the left side of the screen at 2:06 mark and the 3:38 mark. The Bee Gee's immediately caught onto Amanda's talents and she is still working with members of the group on new material.