Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Drunk Miley Crashes Super Bowl Party at Tarantula Hill

On the evening of February 6, Noisebloid OMG! couple - Bawlmore’s Twig Harper and Carly Ptak - hosted a star-studded Super Bowl XLV fundraiser for salvia divinorum at their West Pratt Street home.
The $500-a-plate dinner was co-sponsored by Dr. Stan Musilfiy, local businessman Tom Boram and Utz heiresses Lexi and Sam Mountain. Attendees included Barry Levinson, Logan Mitchell, Sr., DJ Dog Dick and Panda Bear’s mother, Charlene. Lungfish and former mayor Martin O’Malley’s Irish noise band (feat. Slash) provided the halftime entertainment.
However, just before dawn, Miley Ray Cyrus’ father, Billy Ray, checked his daughter in for heat exhaustion at nearby Peabody Institute of Johns Hopkins.
“She was in heat, something fierce,” a spokesperson for Billy Ray’s camp told Noisebloid.
But according to hospital logs, Miley later checked herself out after a hearty breakfast of crab cakes, pit beef and Cap’n Crunch French Toast. (I know, what a fatty, LOL!) Receipts show these items were charged to her room under the name “Stringer Bell.”
According to eyewitnesses, Miley Cyrus arrived at Tarantula Hill a little after 8 pm -- the Steelers still trailing by three. Sauced and belligerent, the 24-year-old starlet hemmed and hawed throughout the rest of the game, even demanding that Jason Urick leave the room because he was, quote, “freakin’ [her] the fuck out.”
Sources say she had plenty to talk about: Eminem’s ice tea adverts, her favorite Nautical Almanac mini CD-R, the pants Steve Albini wore during the Razorblade Suitcase sessions, and, perhaps most topically, that the Steeler's Roethlisberger himself had read for Greg Kinnear’s role in The Last Song.
Be that as it may, most of the party-goers were happy to see her leave -- around 10:30 that night, after polishing off her second six-pack of Natty Boh.
“It was more sad and gross than surreal,” said Prof. Drew Daniel of their most famous, albeit unwelcome, dinner guest. “And while I’m not blaming her per se, we are missing about an eighth of our salvia.”
Ironically enough, Cyrus’ estranged mother, Bobbie Ray Cyrus, was seen leaving the party later that evening with Geof from Charm City Cakes.
“Rafael Toral is playing a late set at Golden West tonight,” she was overheard telling Twig and Carly. “My man Bret got me tickets.”
Noisebloid was able to confirm that Green Bay won the game 31-25.

By guest writer LOGAN K. YOUNG follow him on twitter
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