DOOR CUTS BOYS WITH BROKEN BRIGHT EYES CD'S, BATHES IN THEIR BLOOD
Door says "I just had all the materials lying around.... It just sort of makes sense....what do people expect me to bathe in...water?"
Upon hearing the news the city of Baltimore swiftly responded by giving Door the keys to the city.
The mayor had this to say..."You heard the man...IT JUST SORT OF MAKES SENSE"
Bravo sir. This paper salutes you and your economy of means.
WHEN JASON CRUMER GETS BLACKOUT DRUNK HE TEACHES UNDERPRIVILEGED CHILDREN HOW TO READ
Turns out Jason Crumer's darkest demon is helping people. It all began one crisp autumn afternoon...Crumer began drinking at noon....when he woke up the next day he was surrounded by shitty crayon drawings that said....THANKS FOR TEACHING ME HOW TO READ MR. CRUMER. Jason Crumer believing that he was uncovering some terrible wicked shit about himself continued to drink in a similar fashion for the next couple of months.
What he learned next terrified him....
16 yr. old Desyan says "Mr. Crumer drools alot but he is an excellent tutor! Crumer even helped me get an after-school job at Panera. He really wowed the managers!"
12 yr. old Ashanna has this to say, "I was on my way to kill someone who disrespected my gang...when I ran into Mr. Crumer, He said anyone can hurt but only a few people know how to read. He saved my life."
Upon discovering the news Jason had this to say, "Oh my god this is horrible."
BIG FUCKING GOSSIP ALERT------ DARYL SEAVER AND JEREMY HARRIS LIKE TO "RELAX"
Not one to miss the BIGGEST FUCKING GOSSIP OF THE YEAR- this paper is shocked and disturbed to report....Daryl Seaver and Jeremy Harris like to "relax."
According to sources....Harris likes to unwind by "sitting by the fire" and "watching other people fish" meanwhile Misses Seaver enjoys "humming to herself", "non-elaborate needlework", and "sending Elijah bags of Funyuns in the post". The couple had this to say..."Yep...Netflix changed our lives."
THIS PAPER REFUSES TO COMPROMISE AND WILL CONTINUE TO KEEP THIS SORDID AFFAIR VERY MUCH IN THE LIMELIGHT.
As if to taunt reporters we got one last comment from Mr. Harris, "If someone could please e-mail us and let us know how to get involved in virtual stamp collecting we would very much appreciate it...real stamp collecting seems too stressful"
RODGER STELLA WOWS CRITICS/HUMANITY AT THIS YEAR'S GOLDEN GLOBES
Rodger Stella wowed critics, fashionistas, and quite a few female fans with his trademark "pants around the ankles" strut down the red carpet at this year's Golden Globes.
Sipping a mocha lotta while letting piss dribble down your leg requires skill, accuracy, and most importantly glamour unlike this town has seen since the '20's. Zsa Zsa Gabor stopped to whisper in his ear and some of the biggest names in Hollywood were overshadowed by the sight of Stella's balls protuding out of his boxers.
Stella in between the glitz, glamour, flashing lights, and mumbling in french to adoring female fans had this to say, "I shat in a bag and hid it"
NEWTON BECOMES AGITATED AT SUBWAY
The king of the intelligentsia, Philadelphia-based artist and composer "Newton" (real name:Bernard Millingalius) became severely agitated at a local Subway restaurant Tuesday morning.
Newton was quoted as saying, "I've fucked better subs than this" and "someone please.... teach me how to read". When we caught up with "Newton" he was still very much upset. "I dunno sometimes I get a little upset when i realize that I'm in Subway and there's a war going on...and our troops don't have 24hr. access to Subway yet. Until I can get world peace served to me on a bun, Subway employees will continue to hear my cry."
Newton is going to change this wicked world....and plans to do that.... one Sub at a time.